Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just found puke in my bra..
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
