dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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