Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
