I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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