I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
