You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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