Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
