Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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