I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
That was an excessively violent trivia night
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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