I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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