haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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