My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
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