I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So vagazzling was a success
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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