I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
