Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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