Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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