so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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