how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
