one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
