Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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