If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
