There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
