i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The best revenge is premature balding
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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