Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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