Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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