you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize