I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
