smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
