She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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