UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize