I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
