I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
