he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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