its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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