He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So vagazzling was a success
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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