you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
