I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize