The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
