smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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