Life is so much better after having sex.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
