I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
