4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
