just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
So many bounce houses so little time
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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