the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize