My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
