If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
