I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize