You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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