i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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