I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Houston, we have a squirter
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
