I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
