He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
