wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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