Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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