I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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