Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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