Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
