Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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