I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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