I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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