Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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