i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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