Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
