My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
