So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
